i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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