Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
