So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
