I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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