My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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