is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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