before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
