Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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