Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
