I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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