today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
