I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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