I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
