Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
