At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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