I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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