Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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