whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
