just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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