I will die if light touches me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
