I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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