last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
