I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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