Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
