before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
