I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
