I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think we might need a safe word for this...
do nipples grow back?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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