Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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