He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
