Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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