Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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