Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
zippers are such a cool invention
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
