I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
