when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
