Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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