she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
