My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
