they need to just BURY HIM!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
