So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
