forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
