Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
