i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
