woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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