Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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