i think i have two assholes
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
