The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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