I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
