I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
