apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
