My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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