I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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