Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
