Where did you get a picture of my penis
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
