I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
