Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
