I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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