k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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